Guess who got asked to prom! BY A STRAIGHT GUY (Army pants). he’s my best friend, and a real man given the fact he has the guts to fulfill my gay student council dream of always helping out planning dances, and never getting asked. I couldn’t ask for a better person in my life.
I think about this ALL THE TIME. I fucking love it.
Fandom is the most brilliant, beautiful, collaborative, critical, deeply subversive stuff there is and I ADORE IT TO PIECES.
And no, it’s not all women—certainly not, absolutely not. But I’d say it’s vast majority women. (…Ridiculous crazy vast majority anybody-except-cis-men.) I know I often think of fandom as a feminine and/or queer-centered space.
I’m reblogging for the added commentary and to add a link to a meta I recently came across. The whole thing is worth a read, but the first paragraph really resonates:
The types of fandom that are most often considered traditional and acceptable, and which are often either male-dominated or coded as masculine, tend to be acquisitive, whether in terms of knowledge (obscure trivia) or merchandise (collectibles). Whereas, by contrast, the types of fandom most often considered insincere, non-serious or “unreal”, and which are often either female-dominated or coded as feminine, tend to be creative, such as making costumes, writing fanfic and drawing fanart. (via fozmeadows)
My roommate/best friend and I have the serious issue of not understandingwhy menstruation is something that we’re supposed to be ashamed of oruncomfortable with when we have zero control over it. I don’t understand whywe’re supposed to be grossed out by the fact that we have no control of when we
start, how much we bleed, or how long it lasts. Why are menstrual products so
expensive when condoms are often free or very very cheap and very easily
accessible?? It is something that makes me very angry and frustrated. Like my
roommate is 20 and only just started having her period regularly and she gets
made fun of all the time because she never had to deal with it before so she’s
just now learning….This is just something that I know a lot of girls struggle
with and the struggle doesn’t end when you grow up. I’m 20 and it’s still a
problem.
Be of good cheer! Auntie MJ is here and she is MORE THAN HAPPY
to discuss this. This entire answer is going to be full of period facts and
period fictions and personal period stories.
The history of menstruation-hate is long. I am not an expert
on the subject, but I know it goes WAY BACK. Certainly there are instances in
the Bible referring to it, and explaining that that is the time of the month
when women are “unclean” and have to go sleep in a different tent. There are, I
am certain, places in the world where even now women are made to go somewhere
else to sleep when menstruating. But it goes far beyond where we rest. It’s
seen as (one of our many) weakness and problems and something that makes us
unfit to old certain jobs and is generally used as an excuse for prejudice
against us. Also jokes. Except the jokes are not funny if we make them because
gross, right? How dare we. (Tina Fey tells a story about this in Bossypants.
She had a lot of trouble getting a sketch about classic pads into the show
because a lot of the men were just very, very uncomfortable and didn’t
understand why it was HILARIOUS. Which it is. You can see it here.)
When you first get the news as a kid that this is about to
happen to you (if you are one of the people it will happen to), it can be a bit
of a shocker. My reaction was something like, “Wait, what now? Every month? Actual blood? What?” The reason is actually
awesome. People who menstruate have at least some of the required equipment to
make other people. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you can, or that you have
to or want to or anything like that. It just means that some or all of the
parts are there and that the factory is doing its thing.
Periods cannot be compared. Every one is its own unique
thing. While there aspects that are generally the same from person to person,
there are many variables as well—frequency, duration, amount, pain, tiredness,
hormonal changes, emotional changes. The range of what is healthy and normal is
vast. If you have questions about what is healthy and normal, speak to your
doctor. Some weird period behavior can be a sign of a problem. I found this out
when I was diagnosed with endometriosis. I had no idea what I was experiencing
was not normal, because I’d always had my
period, and my period was its own thing. “Do you bleed heavily?” I was
asked. I shrugged. I’d never measured it. “Well,” he said, “do you have to put
down a towel or a blanket at night?” I laughed and said, “Doesn’t everyone do
that?” Not everyone does that. But a lot of people do! (My most recent
breakthrough: our dog is now fully housetrained and we had a huge pack of puppy
wee-wee pads just sitting around. I was wondering what to do with them and then
I had a Lightbulb Moment and now they go right into the bed. I feel like a true
household pioneer for working this one out. THIS WORKS. TRY IT FOR YOURSELF.)
My point is, as long as your doctor says that medically what
is going on is fine—it’s fine. And even if it’s troublesome, it doesn’t make
you weird. There is no judgment on this. There is no Ms. Period Contest in
which your period will be judged. Who are these people making fun of your
friend for getting her period at twenty? I have serious questions about this.
Send them here. I need to Speak To Them.
While a period can be messy—in the sense that any liquid
spill can be messy—it is not dirty. Springing a leak is annoying. Some people
feel soul-crushing embarrassment when this happens. I cannot feel you how to
feel about this, but I can tell you I certainly will feel nothing but empathy
on your behalf. I will tell you something that happened to me only a few months
ago! I was AT A REALLY FANCY DINNER and the period came from nowhere like a
WEASEL in the NIGHT! I didn’t even know it was happening. For once, it gave no
sign. I had a Strange Feeling That Something Was Wrong. I carefully reached
around and confirmed my suspicion. I realized that I had likely taken out the
chair I was in, which luckily was made of wood. I continued to talk as normal
while I made a detailed plan of the room in my mind and figured out how to get
from my seat to the bathroom while keeping my back turned away from people as
much as possible (try doing this in a crowded restaurant). This involved a lot
of sliding along walls to politely stay out of the path of imaginary waiters.
When I got to the bathroom, I realized the extent of the damage. Things were
bad. My outfit was ruined. I texted a friend at the table and asked if I could
borrow her sweater. She came and brought it to me and spent the rest of the
night cold. I managed to clean the chair. The cloth napkin, well, that came home
with me. I figured it was no longer any use to the restaurant. The skirt was a
lost cause. Of course, there is always the matter of making the IMPROMPTU arrangements in the bathroom.
We have all had to MacGyver our way out of this situation. ANYTHING WILL DO.
(Note to TV executives: one show I would watch FOR SURE would be PERIOD
MACGYVER in which someone gets their period in increasingly awkward situations and has to build a pad out of whatever is on hand. You could start with the
usual suspects like paper and cloth and build to more exotic items, eventually culminating in someone stopping a bomb from going
off by using their period. I would watch THE HELL out of that.)
I continued the rest of the dinner as though nothing had
happened, because really, nothing had. I tell this story because I have NO
PROBLEMS with this. IT HAPPENS. You can borrow my sweater to tie around your
waist. And thank you to everyone who has lent me a sweater or coat to tie
around mine.
As to why period items are not free and available
everywhere—ask the patriarchy. In the meantime, they are one of the most needed
items in shelters and YOU CAN DONATE THEM because they are really needed!
People who use periods as prejudice against individuals who
get them are being gross and ignorant. “But!” these ***holes say, “periods make
you crazy! That’s why women can’t hold office! They’d blow everything up!”
Period-havers, usually women, have been handling business and being rational
for millennia while dealing with sometimes major hormonal flux. Warmongers and
bomb-throwers and civilization destroyers (often men) are…oh right. No, no. Do
go on. I was listening. There was just a wonderful bird over your shoulder and
I was looking at it. It’s gone now. Don’t look for it. It flew away.
Some emotional fluctuation is common. THIS IS TRUE OF ALL
HUMAN BEINGS.
In some cases, periods can cause serious states of mental
distress. Here’s another fact to blow your mind: serious states of mental
distress are found in ALL SUBSETS OF HUMAN BEINGS. Many women have been
pathologized for their period-having because jerks have also been around for a
long time. Much of this prejudice was spread by experts, some of whom also
believed that the uterus moved around the body like some kind of spider. Some
just thought the period must be bad because…
…because? Period? Because women? Because must be?
Guess what, chumps. The fact that you have a vague sense of
unease about my period is balanced out by the fact that I don’t actually care.
I wish you well in your travels through your own notions, but I have reality to
contend with and a pad to built out of nothing but a wrench, two feet of fishing
rope, and these bomb parts.
Do
you think reading books about writing is a distraction to the process of
actually writing the thing I ultimately want to write? You see, I’m prone to
procrastination. So now that I’m trying to take writing more seriously (so that
I can finally finish writing a first draft), I’m suspicious of myself in this
specific situation.
Dear
Niminonono,
You
have asked one of The Writing
Questions! Let’s take a moment to CELEBRATE.
Your
question is a branch on the tree of this question: is a reading a form of
procrastination that prevents you from writing? You can’t write without
reading. You have to do it. But you have correctly pointed out that at a
certain point you need to stop reading and write.
This
is why people go into RESEARCH SPIRALS where they research so much that they
never actually write the thing they need to write. The questions beat in the
mind constantly—am I done? Am I ready? Do
I know enough?
Do I know enough???
But
you are asking specifically about reading books about writing. And I have an
answer for you.
Yes.
Yes,
reading books about writing can be a form of procrastination that prevents you
from writing.
Now
let me break it down.
1.
You don’t need to read any books on writing to learn how to write—because all
books are books about how to write.
I
just blew your mind. I know. Deep. Also true. All books with words in them
teach us about writing. We learn by taking in the various components of what’s
on the page (or screen). From the big things (story, overall structure, book
length) to the page level (paragraph length, sentence length and structure) to
the word choice level. We note repetition and themes. We take in the author’s
style. We decide whether or not we like it, and (often separately) whether or
not it is effective. We often do these things without realizing it. Writing instruction is largely an exercise
in getting you to notice and consciously choose to do things you are likely
already doing.
This
is pretty key. Once you know to look for these things, you tend to look for
them more and keep a clearer mental register. You can also drive yourself
insane looking for them and wind up spending twenty years analyzing a single
paragraph, and you will end up looking like this:
At
a certain point, you need to let go and write. So sure, books on writing are
fine. But in the end, they are sort of like everything else we read. They can
have good tips, for sure. But let’s move on to point two…
2.
If you are going to read books on writing, read more than one, but maybe not
more than ten.
This
is just a personal tip from me. I don’t know how many you have read. I’m
guessing that if you are writing this question that’s it’s probably a few. I
think ten is about the limit. Here’s why.
Everyone
has a different way of writing and a different style of explaining how they
write, if they explain at all. So if you only read one book on writing, you may
get the idea that you’ve done it—you’ve read A Book by someone who published A
Book.
Anyone
can publish a book. I’ve published a bunch of books and the other day I drank
salad dressing instead of water. What does that tell you? Some books on writing
will be good, and some will be very generic, and some will be okay, and some
will be dumb. They vary, as all books do. So if you start down the path, read a
couple. Try to mix it up a bit.
Some
books are all about structure—story arc, character archetypes, conflict,
resolution, etc. These are good things to know about. If you’re going down the
writing book route, read a few books like this.
Some
books are more about the muse and the feeling and the magical journey and the
birds singing in your ear. They might have a lot of very fluid exercises in
them, like making lists of things you see, or writing a hundred words about a
piece of grass—that sort of thing. These books have their place. I have a few
of these I like.
And
then there are the books by the people who write for a living who will
basically just tell you to write. Just write. Start now and work hard and write
every day. That’s good advice. That’s how it actually happens. You will learn
to write through writing, and you will likely be terrible when you start and
get better—like everything else.
I
made a video about this very subject for my friend John Green when he was out
having a child. I’ll include the link here because it says pretty much
everything I have to say in the subject. I also say it in a very unfortunate
way that has an unintended double meaning, so enjoy. But the gist of the video
is this…
3.
DO NOT BE AFRAID TO BE BAD AT THIS
That’s
what’s holding you back now. You’re afraid you don’t know enough. No one knows
enough when they start. No one ever knows enough, really. You just have to
start. Write terribly. Go on. Do it. Then keep writing and improve. That is how
it goes. No one would expect you to pick up a violin and instantly know how to
play because you’re heard some other people playing the violin. You will get
better with practice. You don’t have to show your work to anyone until you feel
ready, and it may take years to feel ready. Good. Fine. That’s normal. No one knows what they are doing when they start. They just have to start with GUSTO.
GUSTO.
The
fact that you are asking this question at all means something in you is saying,
“I should just do this thing.” I think you should listen to that voice and do
this thing. You can always read the books in the time you aren’t writing. This
isn’t the kind of thing where you have to read ALL THE BOOKS before you start.
Just start writing.
And
do not drink salad dressing.
Love,
Auntie
MJ
Ask Auntie MJ is a thing Maureen Johnson does once a week, usually between Wednesday and Friday, whether anyone wants her to or not. You can submit questions using the ask button.
